Archive for the ‘Life in Japan’ Category

Support Your Local Emperor

I frequently tell people that my placement in Koshu City is a tremendous stroke of luck. I say that because the JET Program doesn’t lend a lot of control over one’s location (you can make a request, but it doesn’t usually happen) and I ended up in a place that fits most of my interests perfectly (except for martial arts, but you can’t win them all). The history of this place is fascinating, so I want to share a bit of it with you guys. I try to make it easy to read as possible, but if you’re not into history and/or samurai going all chop-socky on one another then you might just skip this post.

Before it was called Yamanashi, this prefecture was known as Kai or Kai no Kuni (甲斐の国 “fruitful nation,” or literally “armor pattern country”). We might best view Kai as having been a peaceful enough place. For generations it had been ruled by the Takeda clan who were descendants of the Emperor Seiwa (ninth century) and ended up ruling the area as a roundabout result of some snappy political moves during and after the course of the Genpei War, which is by far one of the coolest conflicts in human history.

In the beginning of the sixteenth century the head of the Takeda clan, Takeda Nobutora, was busy dealing with the famous Warring States Period in a less-than-ideal position—totally landlocked and with enemies on more than one side—when he made a poor decision. Traditionally one would name his firstborn son as successor to the house, but for some reason he appears to have selected his second son to take over. Wrong move.

Enter Takeda Shingen—the kind of guy one might describe with words like “brilliant,” “epic,” or “beast.” From a young age Shingen understood how to manage people and he studied everything from classical poetry and science to military strategy. He didn’t appreciate what his father tried to do to his political career, so he used his +5 charisma to take over the clan and put Nobutora on house arrest in the middle of nowhere for the rest of his life. After reading Sun Tzu’s The Art of War he decided to make his motto “Fu-Rin-Ka-Zan” (風林火山, literally “wind, forest, fire, mountain”), which is shorthand for “swift as the wind, silent as a forest, fierce as fire, immovable as a mountain.” One might also glean the meaning from Disney’s inimitably inaccurate, though thoroughly amusing, Mulan:

So here we have a massive samurai civil war that redefines any understanding one might have of the term “blood bath” and this guy decided to waste time educating himself? Indeed, and were it not for a somewhat mysterious death at age forty-nine he would probably have conquered all of Japan as a result. His knowledge of tactics and administration were unparalleled at that time. He rerouted rivers and constructed walls around entire villages to protect not just his soldiers (as per the norm), but also the civilians. Here was a rough, rough man with a heart of gold. Like Alexander Hamilton, but with ninjas.

Another interesting aspect of the local warlord’s life was his rivalry with Nagano Prefecture’s ruler, Uesugi Kenshin. Kenshin and Shingen were about the same age and both prided themselves on being master tacticians. They fought skirmishes on occasion, but it was rare that one would be the victor. Kai, being landlocked, once ran out of salt due to blockades that a neighboring clan had established. The Takeda war machine, on the brink of collapse, was shocked to receive a shipment of the stuff from Kenshin, along with a note that read, “Wars are to be won with swords and spears, not with rice and salt.”

At the fourth Battle of Kawanakajima (in which I’ve been a foot soldier during the annual reenactment) Shingen cemented his place in history as “hardcore” when (so legend states) Kenshin managed to break through his defenses in a sudden rush, riding straight at Shingen. The Kai ruler always commanded his army from a three-legged stool, and in an apparent desire to prove his indestructibility, continued to sit on his stool and fought Kenshin using nothing but a metal-spoked fan. I have a banner in my apartment depicting this engagement because it’s simply that epic. Just to reiterate, the man fought a horse-mounted samurai warrior with a folding fan while seated.

Unfortunately for Japanese history students everywhere, Shingen was either struck by a sniper and bled out or contracted a very bad fever (sources disagree) before he could conquer Kenshin’s territory and go on to face Oda Nobunaga and his technologically advanced troops (the man loved rifles). The Takeda clan spent a good deal of time in my town. In fact Shingen’s remains are in a temple about fifteen minutes from my apartment, which is pretty cool. He had a son, Katsuyori, who was very talented, but failed to live up to his family’s ambition. Upon losing a major battle to Nobunaga, Katsuyori and his son fled to the mountain village of Yamato where they committed ritual suicide. I work at the middle school there.

Because of the village’s status as a retreat for the Takedas they have some rather unique traditions. The boys learn a dance called the juni kagura (十二神楽, literally “twelve gods entertainment”) that they do every year to amuse the local deities. A similar dance exists in the Hiroshima area. The girls learn a dance to honor Katsuyori, the name of which no one seems to know. The biggest honor, it seems, is that one boy from the middle school is chosen to portray Katsuyori in the reenactment events during Kofu’s Shingen-ko Festival, which is one of the largest such events in Japan. Last year we were even on ABC World News, although I have yet to locate a video.

I love that the cultural and social impact of these people can still be felt. When excited, my boys will sometimes shout the Takeda army’s warcry. Fu-Rin-Ka-Zan can be seen on bumper stickers and the free fans that are handed out at summer festivals. To feel connected with something so long removed is a very rare thing, I think, and so I count myself among a lucky few and try to appreciate it while I can.

 

I made a video about driving

 

Toilets and Tribulations

Warning: I make a lot of poop jokes in this one.

It was a squatter. I was unaware that it would be a squatter. No one told me there were squatters in there. And now I’m riding the line between “pickle” and “situation.”

This whole debacle started around 7:00 A.M. When I wake up in the morning I have a protein shake, cereal, a glass of vegetable juice, and sometimes a sandwich. Yesterday’s Chinese wasn’t agreeing with me, but I thought little of it. Go on to work, I figured, and your system will be straightened out by lunch.

The schedule was changed, so I had classes during first period. “No problem, restroom,” I foolishly dismissed, “we’ll get together after this lesson.” Upon return to the staff room I was summoned by the English teacher with whom I had second period. She was sick and needed a last-minute activity. I quickly made copies, arriving to the room just after the bell rang. As I was running the kids through this chapter’s flashcards I was made startlingly aware of an international conflict between the United Breakfast Alliance and the People’s Republic of Why-Did-I-Eat-That.

Toilet. Now.

As I explained the activity and passed out worksheets my terror threat level went from “red” to “CANDY-FREAKING-APPLE-ABORT-ABORT.”

“I’ll be back in a minute.”

“What’s wrong?”

Catabolism.”

We’re not generally supposed to use the kids’ restrooms, but I was willing to take lumps for this one. I’d never been in there before, and don’t intend to make a return trip. Luckily my mind was so preoccupied that I didn’t perceive the horrors present inside of a tile cube that is solely used and cleaned by eighth graders. I believe that I now qualify for a Combat Action Ribbon.

I swung open the stall door and knew that the worst of this wasn’t over when the presence of a Japanese-style squatter toilet registered in my mind. These things are tools of the Fallen One. They should not exist in a sane world.

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, allow me to describe this wonder of proud samurai engineering. Imagine a hole. Now put that hole in the ground. Suppose there’s a porcelain runway in front of said hole, seemingly designed for maximum spray-back. That’s what you have about a 30% chance of running into when you travel to the Land of the Rising Bum.

The method for using these things has always confounded me. One day, in an effort to keep my pants clean, I stopped by the book store to check out potty training manuals. Their methods failed to protect my clothes, so I turned to other foreigners. The best option thus far was described to me by an inebriated Canadian. “Take one pant leg off, then stick the yet-bepantsed leg out to the side.”

I want to make it abundantly clear that I did reach the designated defecation area in time. This is important because, in my haste to make waste, my pants fell into a puddle the contents of which I’d prefer not to ponder. Thanks, kids. Unfortunately, the area of my pants that had just been soiled was decidedly crotchial in nature. As far as anyone would be able to tell the American guy had just lost control of his bodily functions.

In a normal office environment this would be something about which we could all share a laugh, then I would go home and get some fresh pants. This, however, was a middle school and I still had two classes left that morning including the one to which I needed to return in a decidedly ricky-tick manner. Macguyver time. I looked at what was available: cheap toilet paper, a sink, mirrors, an open window, and pens of varying colors. I put together three possible solutions: combine the toilet paper, open window, and my lungs to dry the area (takes time); break open the pens and mix them with water until a dye of suitable color can be produced, dye the pants and go back to class (pants still wet); make a break for my apartment by climbing down from the third story window, steal a kid’s bike, and try to return before the bell rings (I’d have to climb past several classrooms).

I did my best to dry out the affected portions and then spent the next hour walking around like a penguin, knees pinned together and pants sort of tucked in a bundle so that the moist part couldn’t be seen. As luck would have it, no one questions when I do strange things anymore. The staff and students alike simply accepted that I was preparing to try out for Happy Feet 2: Electric Boogaloo.

 

Nothing Doing

Howdy, readers! Long time no blog. If you check back in the archives you might notice that around this time last year I had a post about my lack of activity. This is more or less a resurrection of that sentiment. You see, it’s not that things don’t happen in Japan in the winter. Quite the contrary, as illustrated by the Sapporo ice festivals and any number of celebrations in the warmer and colder regions, but where I live, quite literally the middle of the big island, not much goes down in the way of festivities. Comparatively, that is.

As for travel, I spent Christmas and New Year’s in Indiana, which, as much as I love my home state, isn’t in danger of any excitement. Trips in January are rare as the weather isn’t conducive to being outside. The past four weeks have been pretty routine. Sorry if you were hoping for winter hijinks of some variety.

On the plus side, with the warmer weather (today is the beginning of Japanese spring) comes more activity, so you can expect a lot more wacky sojourns and amusing stories of my follies and foibles. Chuck Norris says that we must remain goal-oriented, so to that end I’ve established a list of things to accomplish his year.

While this isn’t the complete list, you should be able to get a feel for the sort of outings that I have in store:
it's a picture of a monkey caution sign

  • see (and obtain a photo with?) a geisha
  • learn how to grow bonsai trees
  • visit the atomic bomb museum in Hiroshima
  • enter Ninja Warrior
  • learn Japanese calligraphy
  • start a chess club at the school
  • walk the old footpath from Nara to Yagyu Village
  • ride a bullet train
  • meet (and obtain a photo with?) a sumo wrestler
  • study some kind of traditional dance
  • in lieu of a chess club, convince the Powers that Be to let me have an international club

    As Ben Grimm would say, “It’s culturin’ time!”